AT&T - I Want to Believe

OK, this is a long one. First, a very public mea culpa - it was nothing short of arrogance, stupidity, rage and stinky poo-poo on my part that left the AT&T Tilt that I purchased in February absolutely destroyed earlier this week. I flat out slammed it down on a stone table top - hard - and destroyed the LCD touch screen. There was never an excuse for my behavior, and I've been suffering lament of the highest caliber over this for multiple reasons... but I digress.

So when I purchased this phone, the option to secure some form of accidental insurance coverage simply was not available. There are several devices beyond some unpublished price point for which AT&T and their partners (Lockline, now owned by Assuriant, et al) were unwilling to extend coverage. I called AT&T a few different times today to see if anyone could help me, as replacing this out of pocket simply would not be an option for me at full price, which with AT&T is $449.99. (Heaven forbid you purchase from someone other than AT&T - unlocked they price is $759.99!!!!)

I got a whole lot of, "Gee, that's really terrible. I wish there were more I could do." After thinking it over I was ready - I had resolved myself to calling one more time, but only to have the $80.00-per-month PDA Connect package removed from my account. DING DING DING! We're lose nearly $1K from our customer, what can we do? As luck would have it, Mr. Mark Gibson took my call and thought he could help me out. His first option was going to cost me $75.00... and in the end he discovered something about it that wouldn't let it fly - a good thing, as I was NOT going to give them any more money I don't have. We talked while he multitasked my issue and a couple of others... a genuinely nice fellow.

When the smoke cleared, Mark overnighted me a new device which will arrive tomorrow. It isn't costing me one red cent! In the service notes he explained that I was denied the ability to purchase insurance and as a one-time incentive to retain me as a customer they were replacing the device with the agreement that when it arrives I will call with the ESN and other important numbers, and add the $4.95 monthly fee for insurance that they now _DO_ offer... with a $125.00 deductible if I have to make a claim.

Wow... today is my lucky day. Let's call everyone else I've had issues with - starting with the bank!

Hi my name is Dustin, and I'm an asshole

Yeah so, I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but it's become painfully obvious I am an asshole. I'll spare the sordid details (and those lovely spread-eagled asshole photos Google proffered up before I found this image) and instead share the fruits of this morning's research.

For starters, my behavior over the past 24 hours (6-8 specifically) has been pretty awful. I had pondered to myself, "Gee, is it possible I'm a complete asshole?" So I turned to my old friend Wikipedia and what do ya know - they have a wonderfully written entry [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asshole] complete with a full blown definition and everything. After I spent a little more time with it, I was sure... yep... I'm an asshole... frequently.

Secret Squirrel Stuff

So it occurred to me that since I don't have a "Friends Only" option on Blogger, I should split my blog in two: The Digital Air-Conditioned Hippie will remain publicly accessible, while an invitation-only blog, SecretKyrka, will house all my less-scrutiny-friendly activities.

Wings for Marie

This is Judith Marie Keenan - You may not recognize her face, but if you're a fan of the rock band Tool (www.toolband.com) you'll certainly recognize her influence. This is Maynard James Keenan's mother. I'll spare the lengthy dissertation on the story of her stroke, and suffering 10,000 or so days (27+ years) in a wheel chair, which is some of the subject matter used in the lyrics of two tracks from the "10,000 Days" release. You can google it (or grok toolshed.down.net for all fandom you require) for more info.

I've felt these tugging at me for quite some time - and they're especially relevant now. I give you tracks three and four, "Wings for Marie, parts 1 and 2":

03 wings for marie (part 1)

You...
You believed ...
You believed in movements none could see.
You believed in me

A passionate spirit
Uncompromised
Boundless and open
A light in your eyes
Then immobilized.

Broken
Fell at the hands of those movements that I wouldn't see
Yet it was you who prayed for me.
So what have I done
To be a son to an angel?
What have I done
To be worthy?

Daylight dims leaving cold fluorescents
Difficult to see you in this light
Please forgive this selfish question, but
What am I to say to all these ghouls tonight?
"She never told a lie,
... well might have told a lie,
But never lived one.
Didn't have a life,
Didn't have a life,
But surely saved one."
See? I'm alright
Now it's time for us to let you go.

04 10,000 days (wings pt. 2)

Listen to the tales and romanticize,
How we'd follow the path of the hero.
Boast about the day when the rivers overrun.
How we rise to the height of our halo.

Listen to the tales as we all rationalize
Our way into the arms of the savior,
Feigning all the trials and the tribulations;
None of us have actually been there.
Not like you.

Ignorant siblings in the congregation
Gather around spewing sympathy,
Spare me.
None of them can even hold a candle up to you.
Blinded by choice, these hypocrites won't see.

But, enough about the collective Judas.
Who could deny you were the one who
Illuminated your little piece of the divine?

And this little light of mine, a gift you passed on to me;
I'm gonna let it shine to guide you safely on your way,
Your way home ...

Oh, what are they going to do when the lights go down
Without you to guide them all to Zion?
What are they going to do when the rivers overrun
Other than tremble incessantly?

High is the way, but all eyes are upon the ground.
You were the light and the way they'll only read about.
I only pray, Heaven knows when to lift you out.
Ten thousand days in the fire is long enough;
You're going home.

You're the only one who can hold your head up high,
Shake your fists at the gates saying:
"I've come home now!
Fetch me the spirit, the son, and the father.
Tell them their pillar of faith has ascended.
It's time now!
My time now!
Give me my, give me my wings!"

You are the light and way that they will only read about.

Set as I am in my ways and my arrogance,
(With the) burden of proof tossed upon the believers.
You were my witness, my eyes, my evidence,
Judith Marie, unconditional one.

Daylight dims leaving cold fluorescents.
Difficult to see you in this light.
Please forgive this bold suggestion, but
Should you see your Maker's face tonight,
Look Him in the eye, look Him in the eye, and tell Him:
"I never lived a lie, never took a life, but surely saved one.
Hallelujah, it's time for you to bring me home."

Spiritual Union

The details of course belong solely to Brooke and I, but given that my blog sorta serves as my own personal journal too this is a significant entry.

Last night was THE single most spiritual sexual experience of my entire life. Period.

The Dark Knight

Brooke and I went to see The Dark Knight at the AMC 30 IMAX in Olathe last night. BELIEVE THE HYPE! Just go out and see it, trust me.

In all seriousness, everyone did a great job. I don't think this is a spoiler, but Morgan Freeman's character makes a personal stand for freedom near the end that was very poignant. Mr. Bale did an OK job as The Batman but c'mon... there are few who will argue that Heath Ledger
just flat stole the show. He was brilliant, and his parents can be very proud.

Note to self... if you _must_ attend the Olathe 30 complex, please remember to park as far away from the fscked up traffic pattern of the theater as possible.

2007 Birthday Gift

My friend Maev reminded me on the Love Junkies Tribe (http://tribes.tribe.net/lovejunkies/) of a gift my Mother sent me for my birthday back in 2007. I just had to capture some thoughts on that day here too:

I remember that day - it was hilarious! Some background: My birthday is September 1st, and Spencer's is August 15th. So this notice from the post office is in the mailbox - I have a package to fetch. I sorta assumed it was for Spencer's birthday and Maev, Spencer and I swung over to the post office on the way to Chubby's for some breakfast. I was gonna let Spencer open the box, but decided to just open it real quick...

So there among all the other stuff she liked to send me (like the "Jesus is coming, Hide your Bong!" refrigerator magnet) is this "Create-A-Cock" kit. It gets even better though - I called Mother to thank her for the gift... and asked her, "OK so um, you didn't want me to like, use this kit and send it back did ya? That would be kinda freud-kreepy..." We were always tossing the most inappropriate zingers at one another like that... it's the sort of irreverent expression of levity that fuels my disrespect for most every institution that takes itself too seriously.

No Ordinary Love

IMG Source:
http://shamansoulstudios.com/personal/no-ordinary-love

Recapping and Catching Up on the last 24 or so hours...

Brooke arrived safe and sound at MCI a bit earlier than 8:45pm last night, and it was nice to be ready and waiting at the airport. It reminded me of that very first encounter... I was pretty early to get to the airport, and happy I was, as the terminal (B) she flew into that first time had zero parking available whatsoever. I had to drive over into terminal C, park, and catch the red bus that took me back through A and eventually to B. Thus, I wasn't exactly waiting to see her when she deplaned. A handful of text messages and a phone call left her emerging from the womens restroom to find me standing there waiting for her. Last night was, in essence, what I had intended when we met - our eyes met the moment she entered the terminal.

I parked the car in the underground lot this time around because we had some ideas. They were all pretty good ideas too, but let's face it - as we both near 40, sex in a car when you have a California king waiting for you at home is for the impatient, and highly overrated. (We've got more to loose if we get caught than we did in our early 20s too, so go figure.) I got us home relatively quick and comfortable. It had been three weeks since I last held my Doll close, and I felt safe and secure in her arms where I belong.

I've naturally got that Sade song in my mind as I contemplate how this is no ordinary love... and my silly little thinker gets started. This love, what I experience from day to day right now, is simply incredible. I can't help but think I've experienced nothing _but_ ordinary love in the past, because my use of that word in the past isn't representative of what it has become right now. I've never been willing to be completely naked, bare, and unashamed in front of another human being. Yeah, it's a metaphor... and letting go of outcomes, fear, expectations, and a desire to control my Universe have made me free enough that I can ACCEPT the Love, Light and Positivity that this wonderful creature shares with me... I don't have to consider whether or not I think I'm worthy, I don't have to keep score, I don't have to over think and over analyze it... I simply say yes, thank you, and accept it. Could this in reality just be Dustin, experiencing Love, for the very first time?

I find a lot of my own behavior is sorta odd right now. I'm not sure how I mentioned it to Brooke last night, but I was surprised I haven't been freaking out about my Mother. I've been very calm, despite having a minor cry by myself after Aunt Marge called Sunday night. It _did_ seem as though I had been unwilling to verbalize it succinctly or clearly until then... I was willing to say, "My Mother has passed", or "My Mother has departed"... but it was the first time I'd brought myself to actually say, "My Mother is dead." I have to confess to myself there are underpinnings to denial and such in the works too.

The details are silly really... I reset my AT&T Tilt phone to factory fresh last week to make it work with the Exchange server here on site with my new client... and in the process lost any Outlook contacts that I had. This is the second time I've done this, and the second time I've lost Vince's telephone number in the process. (My phone numbers are 95%+ saved in the SIM card, as a phone number record and nothing more... Outlook contacts, are different, and I seem to struggle with this at times.) So when I reset, I lost three very important numbers. It being the 21st century, I simply don't know anyone's phone number really, but I digress. To cut to the chase, I haven't had a conversation with Vince... and as I consider it now, it MUST be that once I do it will certainly evolve into something else... something I don't control. Seriously though, what's the worst that can happen? I might have that good cry that I deserve? Would that be so bad?

There isn't a funeral... Mother was pretty serious about not having one. Aunt Marge is going to host an open house at her place the weekend after next or some time similar, so we can manufacture for ourselves the closure that a funeral might have provided. It's acceptable to me, and I'm sure Mother wouldn't have minded. I think she really wanted to avoid my worst nightmare; carrying my mother in a box to a hole in the ground. I'm glad I won't have that sort of a memory of her.

Back to this Love however... I think it's important to recognize I am in a relationship of such high caliber that I can drop my defenses. When the time is right, I have a shoulder more than qualified to cry on, and when I need to, I'll probably drown the poor girl.

Oh and we have IMAX tickets to see The Dark Knight this evening!

Whoring myself out

Yeah baby - let's make some money with this here blog. OK so I'm going to allow Google AdSense advertisements to be sprinkled around in my blog. Hopefully this makes Brooke and I filthy rich and pays for Hawaii, eh?

Home at Last

She's the most beautiful woman in the world as far as I'm concerned. I was so happy to have her home safe and sound last night, and I held her in my arms until sleep overtook me.

In this moment of sorrow and brokenheartedness, I am complete. She is the Yin to my Yang, my perfect partner. I owe her everything, and am nothing without her. I love you Brooke.

Looking Over My Shoulder

It's inevitable really - I'm destined to ride a roller coaster of emotions today, and yet I'm really quite calm. I think about my mother, and I'm astonished. It was December that she called to tell me the news of her colon cancer diagnosis and that she was that very day having surgery. I grabbed the next thing smoking out of Kansas City to be there the following morning. Today, the morning that follows her death, I start to realize how fast this all happened. Less than eight months between diagnosis and departure. I suppose in most respects I could call that a gift. With the chemotherapy following the surgery, a great deal of pain and suffering were presented in hopes of extending her stay, delaying if by chance what all of mankind must face in the end. If we had it to do all over again, I wonder what we would change.

I think back to the most recent visits I'd had with my mother in Ft. Lauderdale Florida. I can remember back then blogging on tribe that I felt a sense of urgency or desperation emanating from within her, but I couldn't make sense of it. I sorta thought it was that whole "let's make up for lost time" syndrome that many adult children of divorce may experience with their parents, but our relationship had long since evolved beyond the need for this type of behavior. Mother and I, despite physical separation throughout our lives, remained close.

Wow... I'm sorta stunned, simply by my lack of being stunned. I really feel I should be a great deal more upset right now, more sorrowful, more... what? All those Hallmark moments seared into my subconscious by Hollywood are competing for expression, each hoping to broadcast louder than the others becoming the seed of the still small voice in my mind that becomes a focused thought - that which can shine so much brighter and force the remainder of the noise into the shadows. I finding none of them particularly useful or worthy, find I now prefer the silence as I contemplate just how significant this event really is for me. It is the end of one era, and the beginning of another. It's very interesting to see them both approaching one another and snapping together with the crushing boom of a pair of railroad cars.

And so I daydream, and replay some of the most significant memories of my life on the small screen visible only while looking over my left shoulder into the past. The good times, the bad... frightening changes and personal triumphs... and it's as if I'm afforded some sort of cosmic airfare upgrade from coach to first class, valid only during this particular flight, and all the while the occasional glance over my right shoulder provides insight into my future, the path I have selected, and the most wonderful and enchanting princess that promises to share it with me until the very end of the story is written.

I think of those things I know made my mother proud. My service in the United States Navy was always a source of pride for her, on so many levels. I'm sure like my Father and his wife it was something that I had "finished" for a change, unlike other incomplete opportunities that littered the path of my past. I'm sure she also felt quite warm and chuckled to herself at the thought of her son subjecting himself to the varied degrees of conformity required to access the honor and benefit of having served in such a fine institution, all while ensuring appropriate exit and retention of my personal identify when my time to depart had come. If nothing else she recognized the life changing aspects of that service were apparent to me in that present, in that "here and now" to such a degree it was impossible not to see my life changing before my very eyes. I spent plenty of time afterwards not aware, closer to sleep. My mother would again be proud to see me with my eyes wide open as I am now.

My Mother is Free

It was strange to contemplate a title - "My mother is gone" or "My mother has passed". The truth is she was "gone" several weeks ago, while we were still blessed with occasional glimpses of who we loved and missed already. It happened about a quarter past 8:00 pm central time this evening, and she felt no pain. I already miss my mother... so very much.

I've got John Mayer on my mind...
"Stop This Train"
No I'm not color blind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind but...
I just can't sleep on this tonight
Stop this train I want to get off
and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly
won't someone stop this train

Don't know how else to say it,
don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own

Stop this train I want to get off
and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
but honestly won't someone stop this train

So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game to find away
to say that life has just begun

Had a talk with my old man
Said help me understand
He said turn 68,
you'll renegotiate
Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change
the place you're in
Don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand John, honestly we'll never stop this train
See once in a while when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
'til you cry when you're driving away in the dark.
Singing stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can't take this speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train

Watch me Twitter

Yeah so it seems the best way to keep up with me most of the time isn't always the telephone, or email. Sometimes simple SMS text messaging is the way to go, and having succumb to the delights of Twitter (www.twitter.com) I have to say I think I like it a lot. Finding it easily integrated with Blogger makes for an added bonus.

So what's Twitter? (Groans from the audience... Geez, is he really going to explain it?) I'll just call it a text message amplifier. I send a text message to Twitter (which for me in the U.S. happens to be at 40404, simple enough) and anyone else on twitter who has opted to "follow" me will immediately get a copy of it... each such update is also archived on my profile on the site, which you'll now see embedded on the right-hand panel of my blog. Once in a while I'll toss an update from my phone, and it's probably going to be a good way for me to change my blogging habits quite a bit. I can see myself posting only once daily - likely at the end of the day, using my tweets as my crib notes, filling in the blanks as I go. Hell, I may do nothing at all - it remains to be seen.